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| Sometimes I'm left to wonder whether I'm important: whether the work I do on Earth will have any "lasting significance," or whether I'll create some amazing device/protocol/application that helps save lives. But I look back on the supergeniuses and note that most "groundbreaking" inventions have been lost in obsolescence. Records and record players, phonographs, camera film... random significant inventions that have become absolutely useless to us--except, of course, the theories behind the ideas which still carry major implications. Still, the idea that what I create may not last beyond my lifetime (more and more likely as the singularity approaches) bothers me at least a little bit. Why pour my work and effort into something that may be only temporally useful?
Why not, instead, pour my time and devotion into something that lasts--eternal life? (... but this could end up being another discussion altogether =P.) But what I would encourage you to do, then, is to analyze your gifts and to figure out how you could best serve God. Figure out what He's calling you for, expand your horizons beyond what you are capable of seeing (trust me, it's way harder than it sounds. Like, think about the highest musical tone you can, then think an octave up above that.... then above that... it's kinda wiggidy-whack hard, right?). Be on the lookout for opportunities to serve, and listen for His voice.
That way, you'll live without regret. fo' sho'.
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| What dreams did come, what nightmares chilled our thought
Had left us then alone to fend and mend.
Desires flooded o'er what once we sought,
Deserted then when lacking faith--pretend.
Apologies could flow as wants once streamed;
Regrets for seeking self so surely sound.
But what could come of sadness unredeemed?
With health in heart, the Way will soon be found.
Those glory years shall mean so much for good--
Recall how precious all I grasped in view.
But passed is past, a sense where once we stood
Has left us then for better, cleansed anew.
React with head held high, deserving one.
The future you has only just begun.
Thanks for all the lessons, love, and pain. I pray that you will soon find your Way.
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| As a freshman in high school, I was on fire for God. Quite literally, almost fanatically, I would reach out to my friends in all the wrong ways... =P but that's not the point. On the contrary, I developed a fatal flaw. More on that later.
Being so zealous, I decided that I would begin to read the Bible from cover to cover, starting in Genesis. Surprisingly (or perhaps not-so-surprisingly) I have just started the New Testament today, nine years later. However, this slow and painful journey was not without cause--in fact upon further reflection, my life strangely mirrors (!) the Israelites', almost paralleling their star-crossed journey into the promised land and through their exile and return. Crazy, huh?
From the beginning, the Israelites had issues with remaining faithful to God, worshiping idols while refusing justice and mercy. And I in my sad, twisted mind had convoluted God's plan for me and I pursued my own idols: girls. Perhaps I never felt important enough at home; perhaps I just wanted something that the Lord had already provided but that I had rejected; perhaps I was just an angsty teenageer--perhaps I was blinding myself to God's plan. Thus, as the Israelites asked for a king, I in turn asked for a girlfriend. And after years of pleading, God finally answered yes.
Oh what joy I experienced, feeling loved! Indulging in lust! What pride coursed through my broken soul! Of course, those feelings soon ended and I was left alone again... only to begin searching once more like an energetic fluorine ion in a gaseous sea of hydrogen.
BOOM it happened again--the Israelites briefly mourned for King Saul, but because he was ineffective, most were glad that David came to save the day, slaying his tens of thousands. But even David had his own fatal flaw, exposed when he stayed home. Lost in a sea of concubines, David's progeny were less--or perhaps more--amicable than they should have been towards each other. Although one mistake hardly ever dooms an entire nation, these and other grievous sins eventually led Israel and Judah to collapse and exile.
While exiled to the middle-of-nowhere, Virginia, I was given a unique opportunity to reflect and think about who I was, where I had been, and most importantly, where I wanted to be. This direction gave me a purpose, a reason to strive and be alive (as you may or may not have noticed from my more recent postings). Now, I know I'll never be perfect or "ready", but the truth is, Christianity is sort of like that--always growing, always improving, always loving and serving God first and foremost; He'll take care of the details.
Well, now that Jesus is back (literally and figuratively, but also spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and socially), I just have to listen harder in order to remain in His light.
Thanks for always believing in me. For trusting me. For helping me.
For loving me.
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| I speak the truth in Christ—I am not lying, my conscience confirms it in the Holy Spirit—
Romans 9:1
What began as a simple gedanken experiment quickly expanded into a strange and awesome realization that truth means more than simply defeating falsehood: it is an active foray into the tortuous world of discernment.
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
From Hamlet, Polonius to his son Laertes
Since my most recent musings, I have come across the fact that I often lie--to myself, to my friends, to everyone. When posed with a question or choice, I often leave the decision to the asker in order to ensure his/her convenience. In this way, I live for someone else and go about my life knowing that your efforts have increased the general well-being of another. So noble... so selfless. So good.
But so counterfeit! In a way, it becomes so easy to "love" someone else as you become attracted to how the other person makes you feel; however, it is so much more difficult to serve a person for who they truly are... to see things as they really are. My eye for discernment is, unfortunately, legally blind. But with prayer, practice, and perseverance, I believe that I may one day redevelop a holy vision.
Give me Your eyes.
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| Like a city whose walls are broken down / is a man who lacks self-control.
Proverbs 25:28
Ben Franklin, one of America's great founding fathers, strove ever diligently to become the perfect person. To this end, he devised 13 virtues that he "mastered", one at a time, until he completed the list and started over. Now, I will probably never be awesome like Ben Franklin, but it's about direction, right? And I think I know where I want to go...
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Philippians 4:8
And so I return to where I was a year ago, perhaps now a little wiser and perhaps a little more energetic. However, the most exciting change is that I truly feel that I "get it" this time (another relic from my calculus teacher, that a joke is only funny if you "get it"; it loses its appeal when an explanation is required... get it?), that I'm willing to make the sacrifices for improved discipline. Thus, with this newfound direction, I can only pray that the magnitude shall remain ever strong. Baby steps, so we'll start with truth.
Anyone of his people among you—may his God be with him, and let him go up to Jerusalem in Judah and build the temple of the LORD, the God of Israel, the God who is in Jerusalem.
Ezra 1:3 [has major implications; think about it =P]
... will you come with me?
Epilogue
And so the weary paladin returned
To find a crumbled state of disrepair--
The glory halls unkempt, the treasures burned,
Alas, the brightest lights have fade to bare.
In truth, no soul had occupied the space
Forsaken hence by mighty mouse and vine.
The jobless guards returned to greener place,
Yet greener lost in leaving--that was mine.
Renewed, the humble home shall soon transform,
Where fires strong shall dance amid the heart.
As wants will want, improve through wind and storm,
All compromise and sorrow must depart.
Defending naught, a knight shall lose his way.
Defending good, a paladin will stay.
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